From the 2018 me

I have so many mixed feelings about 2018. This year has been a roller coaster of all the emotions across the human spectrum and I can only say I rode through it all.

What are some big lessons from this year? I learned about death – how it feels to have someone die and have you be left in this world. I learned how to handle grief, or at least how to handle it sometimes. I learned how to find my self-worth and self-respect after losing it. I learned how to forgive myself and others who hurt me. I learned how to pick myself up from the bottom of the pit. I learned how to love someone again.

It was a tough year and I’d like to think I also became tougher. I don’t mean tougher in a sense that I am meaner, in fact I mean the opposite. I think this year has taught me what empathy truly is and how to use that to connect with someone or with myself. Empathy has helped me understand my emotions and motives and most importantly, it has taught me how to forgive. I think being tough is being able to forgive. It’s not always an easy thing to do.

This year I have forgiven myself countless times for being pathetic. For being a shitty person to people who care about me. For not being happy. I have forgiven other people for leaving me. For giving up on me. For not being there.

And through all of this forgiving, I have built up a stronger resiliency to dark times. I am able to better understand pain and how it can lead to bad decisions. I am able to be my own best friend and back myself up when I do not feel brave. By being brave and forgiving, I was able to move on.

You know how you wanna die and then someone tells you, “I got through it- look how happy I am!” or “Hey this person wanted to die too. Now they made it through and you can do it too!” and it just kind of goes in one ear and out the other? You know how you feel like they don’t get it? That sure, they are a success story but it doesn’t mean you are one too. You know how you feel like the day you get better will never come?

Well it finally did for me and I am so happy to be writing to you all from the other side.

I came to realize how essential gratitude is to fight depression and how important it is to practice it. Depression was like a mask. It stopped me from seeing, understanding and feeling all of the joys in my life that have always been there, even during my depression. It shrouded me in darkness and numbness and didn’t allow me to see from a bigger picture.

After the death of my friend Jackie, after my backpacking trip through southeast Asia, after my father had a stroke – all of these big and little moments in between were like little sparks of epiphany to me that I am blessed. I have always been blessed. I have so much – too much, perhaps – and it’s time for me to start appreciating.

I have a fully functioning body. I can run until my lungs hurt, but I will still be ok. I have an education, I can think critically and question why we do things a certain way. I have a job – I have money to buy clothes and food that I want, not clothes and food that I need to survive. I have a family who is still alive, who cares about me. I have friends who are still alive, who care about me.

I am alive. I still care about me.

As the 2018 Loewe, I want to say the world is kinda shitty sometimes. People are kinda shitty sometimes – your self included. But it’s not shitty all the time. Forgive yourself for not being able to be the person you expect yourself to be. Forgive others for disappointing you. Be thankful for what anyone has given you – their time, affections, a helping hand or shoulder to cry on. It doesn’t matter whether or not that person is still there for you today. They were there then when you needed them.

Be thankful you have you. In case no one has told you this at all this year, I am glad you’re here.

Sincerely Loewe