From the 2024 me
2024 has been one of the craziest years of my life with high highs and low lows. As I now enter my 30’s, I find my life and the lives of those around me changing incredibly fast with huge life shifts.
This year, I had my wedding and I am now officially someone’s wife (how did this happen lol). We purchased our second home (I’m broke again) and we wrapped up our year with plans to have a baby (who am I lol). Around me, friends my age are starting to pop babies of their own – both planned and unplanned. And just as I thought we were entering a new chapter in our lives filled with more joy and love, my friend died suddenly.
His death has certainly impacted my year as it was so sudden and it has heavily impacted our circle because one of my closest friends is also his wife. In addition to sadness, grief and disassociation, I find myself often in moments of guilt as my own life continues on.
What are some big lessons from this year? I’ve learned that I receive so much love from those in my life. As this was our big wedding year, a lot of our friends and family helped make this year all about us. Whether it was planning, attending (and paying!) for bachelor/bachelorette trips, flying 10+ hours to attend our wedding, to practicing dance choreos or preparing heartfelt speeches and cards, I feel so many people have shown us love and given us love this year.
I’ve learned more about death and grief. I thought I knew a little bit when my friend Jackie passed away from cancer, but Jackie’s death was expected and prolonged in the sense that when he passed, I was almost relieved because he did not have to be sick anymore. This death was abrupt and it didn’t even feel real to me. I felt like I would see him walking down the stairs with a goofy laugh. It was like he just disappeared.
The timing also made me feel immensely guilty as it happened right before our honeymoon trip. We were unable to make it to his funeral and for 2-3 months, I just felt disassociated. I had a difficult time processing the event with little information and I was also very confused throughout my days because in one moment, I would be snorkeling in the beaches of Japan, and the next moment, I would feel like a huge bitch for having enjoyed my day. I felt like I wasn’t there for my friend who lost her husband, and I was also not confident in how I was supposed to be there in the ways she would like.
The guilt is something that I still find challenging. Even though rationally I know life continues on, I feel guilt and I feel like a bad person for a lot of things that I do or say. I feel like a villain for posting my wedding photos. I feel like an ungrateful bitch if I talk about my worries regarding pregnancy. I sometimes even feel bad for calling my husband my husband. But I don’t want to live my life walking on eggshells around others and I always want to show up as my authentic self.
As the 2024 Loewe, I want to say that I see the light and the darkness. I see the joy and the pain that life gives us all at once and leaves us alone to deal with the aftermath of it all. It is as beautiful as it is tragic and it is hard to separate the good with the bad. It is all one.
I believe that in general, I am a good person – a good friend, a good wife, and hopefully a good mom. I may not always say the right thing at the right time or any combination of those that have a right or wrong, but I can show care and show empathy in my own ways.
In all the different ways I have been lucky enough to receive care from those around me this year, I aim to give back in 2025. If 2024 was all about me because of my wedding, then this year it’s going to be all about my loved ones and I will look for ways to service them and make them feel loved, seen and heard.
As always, thank you for being here and thank you for reading.
Sincerely, Loewe