I’m married now

I got engaged back in October of 2022 and since then, I have been planning my own wedding which will be happening 12 days!

The process of wedding planning has been incredibly stressful for me and our relationship and I already consider myself a pretty organized and decent planner. Even now as we approach the big day, we find ourselves excited for this to just be over as we expect to be super tired throughout the day. I didn’t think I would be feeling this way about my wedding. I thought I would be looking forward to it.

Under all the formalities and thinking behind the table centrepieces and wedding favours that will be left behind or the music that plays during the ceremony or even just what chair people are sitting on, I find that the celebration of our love has become overwhelmingly lost in the chaos.

I have always dreamed of a big wedding but I suppose I didn’t know the work involved to have one, including all the Cantonese traditions I am just learning about. I am sure after the big day, I will be glad I did it all. But I wouldn’t want to do this again.

Aside from the big impending D-day, my partner and I legally signed the marriage papers and got married last weekend on Father’s Day. It was a simple day and we had the commissioner come to our parent’s house and our 2 dads be the witnesses. As uneventful as it was, it was nice and sweet and I finally felt something in my heart.

What did I feel? Love, I guess. Love for my partner and for myself and our relationship together. Proudness of who we are and everything we’ve created together – a life for ourselves. I felt happy that I had someone I wanted to share my life with. Most importantly, I felt safe. It felt like I was making a right decision. And for the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, making the right decision always came with so much self-applied pressure.

Is life different now that we are legally married? Our day-to-day remains unchanged but to me, it is a big change because I think marriage is a big deal. I know the meaning of marriage is different for everyone and I understand that for some people, it’s just a piece of paper but it is not just a piece of paper to me.

To me, marriage is a whole new chapter of my life and it is a chapter where I share and create it with someone else. And that is a big change to me because I didn’t have anyone like that in my life before and at some point, I didn’t think I would.

I also believe I will not be the same person as I was before being married. Because to me, marriage is a commitment and it is something meaningful. Moving forward, I will not be living my life or making decisions for just me. It would be for us.

I guess to wrap this all up, I am making my wedding a big deal by having a large one and doing all the events that come with a wedding. In the same way, I am also making marriage a big deal by holding myself to a higher standard than before.

It is both a beginning and an end to my life as I know it.

Sincerely, Loewe