My relationship with money

I have always been very sensitive when it comes to money. Usually when people say this, it means they don’t like to talk about money, but with me, it’s more the opposite.

I don’t enjoy talking about money. I simply think it’s important to talk about money.

As a child, I wasn’t in born into wealth, but my family was comfortable. After we immigrated, I observed several life incidents that changed my perspective on money. I wondered why people didn’t pay us back on money we lent them. I wondered why people didn’t help us in times of need when we helped them.

After awhile, I stopped wondering these things and instead, I started wondering why we lent money out in the first place.

That is just one example of how I began to see money differently. Money was important and you shouldn’t just give it out. Also, it just seemed to change people. Once the topic of money comes out, ugliness can come out too. People want more money. People are greedy.

And maybe I became greedy as an adult. I was certainly cheap. I hated paying for little fees like parking. I hated gambling because I had the chance to lose money. I would never donate my spare change. And I told myself I would never ever lend out a large sum of money to anybody.

Student loans stressed the fuck out of me when I had them. I worked 2 part time jobs all 4 years of my bachelors and during co-op terms, I worked close to 70 hours a week because I didn’t want to lose my part time jobs by taking time off.

I wasn’t poor. I still went on ski trips and ate out at restaurants. I still went shopping for clothes and watched movies in theatres. It’s just that I would always keep an eye out for my own spending. I would give myself pressure.

When I signed up for ski trips, I calculated how much I would save. When I ate at restaurants, I looked at the price column first before selecting what to order. When I went shopping, I would only buy items on sale. When I went to watch movies, I only went on Tuesdays because it was cheaper and I never bought popcorn.

All these little things kept me on my toes when it came to my money. I had a strict budget and every month I would make sure I didn’t exceed the limit I set for myself. I hated it when things were more expensive than I calculated. I wasn’t spontaneous. I wasn’t generous.

I disliked getting expensive gifts because my expectation is to give something of similar value. I didn’t want to date anyone who didn’t have a job because I didn’t want them to waste their savings on me, or worst, their parents’ money on me. If I owed someone money, I tried to pay them back instantly. If someone didn’t pay me back right away, I would get anxious.

Yes, I think that sums it up quite well. Money makes me anxious. I don’t feel good spending it and I get upset when I lose it. I don’t even like watching other people spend their money which is why I have always preferred to shop alone.

Even though now I have a job and a car and my own apartment, I still get anxious about money. I’ve been really trying in the last few years to be more generous to the people I care about. That is actually much easier than being generous with myself.

One thing that really opened my eyes was when I was discussing money with my boyfriend. I kept telling him, “We need to save money.”

He responded with, “Why don’t we just make more money?”

I know that’s not always a solution (the realistic answer is to do both), but it opened my eyes in the sense that I always saw money as only something I could lose, not something I could gain. Over the years, I have certainly gained money but it never felt like it. And I think a big reason for that is I never taught or allowed myself to enjoy spending it. My only joy was locking it into an invisible line on my computer and watching the number go up.

Maybe I am crazy now but it sounds like I began this story with the importance of saving money and now I am saying I should start spending all of it.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I have learned that money will come and go. We will always need money and we will always feel like we could use more money.

Nobody likes the grouch who is counting pennies in the corner (i.e. me). I had always admired people who could give without the expectation of something in return – people who would say things like, “Don’t worry about paying me back”. People who offer to buy a round of drinks. People who aren’t even rich themselves but have no problem with just being that person.

I am definitely still not that person, but these days I can order whatever I want to eat off a menu based on the dish, not the price. When I shop, I look for value and not just the price tag (value comes in many forms!). Most importantly, I feel like I am worth whatever I am spending.

But still… don’t ask me to lend you money.

Sincerely, Loewe