Sometimes, I have dreams

Sometimes I have bad dreams. Sometimes, these dreams are super random and involve weird monsters or strange superpowers where printers don’t listen to me and I kill a bunch of trees. Or maybe I’m a fairy who cannot fly (#verysad).

Other times, my bad dreams are realistic. I see people who have hurt me in the past come to hurt me again. I see people I care about dying. I see me hurting myself.

And when I wake up, it’s sunshine streaming in through my blinds and a sweaty realization that I am back to reality. Far away from what I just saw.

Dreams are a weird thing. Usually they disappear from my memory as soon as I wake up and I don’t always remember what I saw, but I often remember what I felt. It usually doesn’t impact the rest of my day, but sometimes I’ll think about it for a little too long.

I think about the people who hurt me and what they had said or done to me in the past. I essentially waste more of my life on them by letting them re-invade my well being.

When I think about the past me, I see me crying somewhere, curled up in a ball. I read the stuff I had written and my heart breaks. The person there is so different from the person I see in the mirror today. The person there is so sad. And that person was me.

I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug. Or maybe a slap in the face (whatever works lol). I wish I could go and tell myself that I will be ok and happiness awaits. I wish I could have been stronger. I wish I hurt myself less. I wish I treasured myself more.

When I think about how good everything is right now, it makes me afraid that I will lose it all. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like this is my life. I feel as if this is too good and I don’t deserve it. Maybe this is all a good dream.

Sometimes, I have good dreams. Sometimes, these dreams are super random and involve soft things or strange superpowers where I can fly and I become heiress to an Asian snack company.

Other times, my good dreams are realistic. I see people who love me go on adventures. I see people I care about laughing. I see me happy.

And when I wake up-

Sincerely, Loewe