I’m 30 now

The time has come for me to turn 30! I know a lot of my friends detested celebrating the big three-oh because the reality of how old we are is sinking in, but ever since my friend Jackie passed away from cancer at 25, I’ve seen every year in passing as a blessing. So I was pretty excited and happy to turn 30 this May with all my friends and family.

It’s weird to sit here and think about who I am and what I’ve done so far in life. Often times, I don’t feel like I’ve done much, but it’s hard to recognize your achievements and learnings when you are living your every day life and you don’t notice all the small changes and improvements you make.

A lot of things have changed for me if I compare myself and my life to when I was 20 years old. Here are 5 things I’ve learned:

1. My opinion of myself matters the most.

Probably one of the most liberating things I’ve learned is how to stop placing so much importance on what other people think of me. This wasn’t something I just learned one day and implemented right away. This was something that just seemed to happen over the course of time. Slowly, it became less important to me on whether I looked good to others on the outside. It became more important to feel good on the inside.

Why was it liberating? Because I now truly feel like I know who I am as a person. I know what I’m good at and what I’m bad at. I know what I can be proud of and what I need to work on. And most importantly, I like who I am. This notion grounds me and it has helped me to see who I should be spending my energy and time with to bring me more joy in my life. And when faced in certain situations, I can walk away knowing that at the end of the day, I am a good person and I am doing what’s right for me.

I feel like when you stop caring about what other people think of you, you end up actually attracting the right people into your life. You become an authentic version of yourself and people can feel and sense that. Your relationships with other people also become more authentic and genuine.

2. Grief is love with nowhere to go.

It is almost a privilege to say that I hadn’t really lost anyone whom I care about deeply until I hit my twenties. It was my first time dealing with grief. I felt a lot of negative emotions during grieving – guilt, regret, anger at the world, depression, and even a little bit of jealousy (I know that’s pretty fucked up but given that at one point, I wanted to just off myself, I imagined it would have been much better if I was the person who was sick instead).

So I had all these feelings but they had nowhere to go because the person is dead. What the entire journey has taught me is how to turn all those negative feelings back into love and back into the future. Now when I look at life, I see it as such a precious thing. When I look at my pain, I see it as it hurts this much because this is how much I cared for that person. And when I look at my guilt and regret, I see it as forgiveness and motivation. Because there will never be a time when you’ve done all the right things. You will always wonder what if I had done this or say that. All you can do is forgive and give grace to yourself and remember all the wonderful things you did bring into someone’s life.

3. Love is patient. Love is kind.

I’m not religious so I never understood the whole “love is patient, love is blind” quote. I thought love was many things – passionate, endearing, sweet and moving. But nowadays, I truly feel that love is as simple as that statement – love is patient and love is kind.

Love is something I feel every day – something that moves so slowly it’s like it’s not even there, but it is. It’s this feeling that fills me up inside and helps me to be brave when I am afraid. It is something that is there when I am ugly, angry and sad. Something that will be there even on my last day. Love is patient.

Love is what makes me want to be a better person to the people around me. It is what I feel when I am careful with my words – when I am empathetic and when I am in-tune with what another person feels. Love is this warmth that I feel like I can now share with others. Love is kind.

4. Dogs make everything better.

I probably already knew this when I was 10 but now it is proven by my anecdotal life. My parents used to be quite against dogs and pets, but now that Tofu has joined my life, he has only multiplied the joy in not just mine, but my entire family’s lives. My grandma likes to videocall to see Tofu run around. My parents love to take him out for walks and simply talk about him. My aunt loves to shop for Tofu. These are all things that had never happened before in my family.

A dog is work because you have to feed them and clean them and exercise them. They get sick and the vet bills are expensive. But nothing compares to how many smiles Tofu brings to my face, or how many times I laugh at something he is doing.

I think the root of it is that this is the first time I’ve truly experienced this kind of unconditional love. Tofu loves me for everything and anything, even if I do something bad. When I look into his eyes, all I see is love and innocence. It is something I want to protect.

5. Being tough is being able to forgive. It’s not always an easy thing to do.

I don’t know when apologizing became so hard. Nowadays, I feel like everyone has so much pride and ego and reasons for not apologizing. Every one is always thinking about themselves. I did this and I said this and that’s why you should be the one who is sorry, not me. Everyone is so defensive.

Now when I apologize, sometimes it’s about a bigger picture. It’s about wanting to save a relationship and not win an argument. It’s about thinking about my contributions to how this toxicity came to be. It’s about realizing that I care more about the other person than me, so I can apologize. And it’s about recognizing that sometimes I make mistakes and do bad things, but it doesn’t mean I am a bad person.

True forgiveness, I think, is something that does not resurface. It is not something that has to be forgotten, but it is something you don’t bring up again. It’s something that doesn’t bother you anymore. It is something you have left behind.

And forgiving myself is probably the most difficult. But there is no benefit in holding onto anger and resentment. It is heavy and only makes it harder for you to be happy in life.

These are just some of the bigger themes in my life so far. Every day I am learning something new about myself and from the people around me. I feel so blessed to be turning 30 years old this year and to have so many people to celebrate it with.

Thank you all for growing up with me.

Sincerely, Loewe