Lost in the sauce

Over the years, I have watched many of my friends enter into relationships and then disappear off the face of the earth. They talk less in the group chat, don’t show up to hang-outs and then get teased for it when they do show up.

As someone who was single for a long-ass time, it was difficult to sometimes be the friend who gets left behind. It’s usually not intentional but the feeling of being neglected still exists. You feel guilty being upset about it too since you’re supposed to be happy for your friend. You’re supposed to be understanding.

I was understanding, but I couldn’t be all the time. Sometimes I was resentful. Sometimes I was jealous. Mostly, I was disappointed.

For the most part, I get it. I get that when you get a boyfriend or girlfriend you will be MIA for awhile. I get that there’s the “honeymoon phase”. I get that it makes sense you prioritize your significant other over your friends if you had to. A good partner wouldn’t make you choose, but if they did, I get it. I think everyone gets this.

We get that you can’t be there for every single person you want to be there for. We get that it’s not always that easy to balance everything – your work life, romance, friendship, your individual free time. Sometimes we just choose whatever is convenient. Sometimes we don’t even know our balance is all off.

We all live our lives. If someone doesn’t have time for you, you move on and spend your time with people who do. There aren’t always bad feelings attached to this, only acceptance and understanding. It may be hard at first and you may miss your friend a lot, but a big part of adult friendship is just this – being there when it counts.

Looking back now, I can see that it was also an opportunity to expand my social circle. It was an opportunity to become better friends with someone else – not to replace anyone, but just to improve your relationship with another lovely person.

Now that I am in a relationship, I do find myself spending more and more time with my boyfriend. When I see my friends, often time he would be there as well. All of my friends say it’s ok and that they like my boyfriend. I’m sure they are being honest, but I also try to be mindful in case I do have a friend that feels like spending time with just me.

That’s because I still remember what it was like to be that friend – the friend who was still happy for them but sometimes wanted it to be like the old days.

I don’t ever want to be the friend who is thought of as “crawling back” to the group. I don’t ever want to be the person who wakes up one day and realizes I’ve lost my friends because I haven’t been a good friend.

I promised myself that even if I was happy in a relationship, I would not forget to spend time with my own friends. I am still me. I am still down to come out by myself. I am still your friend and I am still here for you.

Sincerely, Loewe